When we approach a time of transition, whether it be the desire move forward from an old relationship, an old career or an old environment it is very common to want to let go of everything associated with the old situation. It is as if anything to do with the past has been tainted. "Don't through out the baby with bath water"--the old adage, applies here. Those old situations we want to leave behind, while they have facets and associations you want to let go of, they also have positive lessons, values and skills that you would not want to throw out, were you aware of them. In fact these are generally foundations for the future, and the next chapter of your life. The key is to be willing to look at the situation honestly and acknowledge and own the good that was in it.

RELEASING the BATHWATER:

Many clients come to me during a period of career or personal transition. The conversation generally starts with a 'venting' session on how bad a job or partner was/is. It's easy to complain about how bad the situation we are coming out of is. 'She was such a shrew.' 'He was the biggest SOB.' 'All we did was have meetings.' 'It was a lose lose situation.' When we decide to leave a situation we often bring not only gray clouds along, but a sky full of frustration, anger and grief.

To make the discussion fruitful, I immediately ask the client to give me specifics on what aspects of a career or environment don't work, and what skills they are using that they may have once enjoyed but now hate. They may be great at using these skills, but need to make sure that they do not appear on the next resume!! Otherwise, even if the job appears different, the employer may quickly volunteer the person back into using these oh so valuable, and hated, skill sets.

The same applies to relationships. You may have just ended a relationship. Surprise, surprise, you want to vent on how nasty the other person was. We quickly shift to acknowledgement of what behaviors and expectations were not in alignment with the person's needs. Were there expectations and behaviors on your part that reinforced unwanted behaviors from your partner? Are there specific attributes that you no longer want in a partner, as you have grown and shifted who you are? Acknowledge these and commit to RELEASING them and leaving them behind.

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EXERCISE ONE:

List in detail what didn't work about the situation and people you were involved with.

CAREER: List what skills and behaviors you brought to and used in the situation you are leaving. Recognize the ones that you hate using and don't advertise them to future prospects.

RELATIONSHIPS: Are there roles and responsibilities that you assumed in your relationship that you hated? Become self-aware and commit not to take these on in future relationships. List your partner's behaviors that did not work for you. Look closely at yourself and determine whether there were things that you did that enabled these behaviors. If so, take responsibility for your own past behavior and commit to monitoring and shifting your own behavior.

Become conscious of signals to behaviors and environments you hate. Commit to shifting your own behaviors where appropriate.

OWNING the BABY:

It's sure easy to complain about what you dislike. It is rare that I see a client who doesn't focus on the 'bath water' as we begin our discussions. It is even rarer that I have clients who can't find good things below that murky surface once we look deeper .

People looking at career changes often want nothing ever again to do with a situation that in any way resembles their old one. Many people who were working in Corporations want never again to cross that threshold, yet they all have skills that they enjoyed using, and that kept them alive in their careers. These can and must be acknowledged to succeed in a new job or career. Upon closer inspection we find that these skills and practices are what gave the individuals energy to make it through their projects and their days. These are your 'babies'. When you disown them you are no less than committing career suicide. When we anchor in the things that worked for us in previous positions and careers, we acknowledge who we are and create a solid foundation to move forward from.

That relationship that you want never again to have with anyone. What originally worked in it? Did your needs change? Did your partner's needs or behavior's change? What really worked for you, met your emotional needs and fulfilled you at times during the relationship? It's possible that your partner did meet some needs while being unable to meet others, which were essential to you. If you ignore what worked, you may find it missing with the next person you embark on a relationship with. As hard as it may be after a break up, recognize what worked and honor it!

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EXERCISE TWO:

List in detail what worked about the situation and people you were involved with.
List what skills and behaviors you brought to bear and used in the situation you are leaving.

CAREER: Recognize ways in which a career worked for you. Recognize skills that you like using and focus on them with future prospects. Become conscious of these as you look for the next position. Use them as a base for your professional identity.

RELATIONSHIPS: Recognize how your emotional needs were met in your past relationship. Lay claim to these as a part of who you are, and commit to finding a way to have these needs met in the future.

Old bath water is murky. Bad memories sit on the surface obscuring some of the wonders beneath it. Many of the wonderful things about who you are are below that surface. YOU ARE THE BABY.... don't discard wonderful parts of yourself with the bath water!!!

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Perfecting Balance is the newsletter of David A. Klein's Coaching practice, A Perfect Balance.

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© David A. Klein 2002