It has become a cliché for many people to make fun of using the term 'should'. Others retort that having no 'should's is a mark of the do your own thing culture, and decry the loss of responsibility in our culture. What is it about the term 'should' that is so provocative?

'Should' has become a marker of self-judgment in our speech. A client, Jean, recently shared apologetically that she 'should have gone to the health club last week'. When we spoke a bit more, it became clear that Jean was indeed getting exercise and taking care of herself, have gone horseback riding, and jogging among several other activities. Yet there was the guilt of setting expectations for herself.

'Should' expectations are a reflection of self-judgment rooted in several areas:

• Perception of peer group values and expectations
• Perception of Cultural and Societal/Community expectations
• Perception of Religious upbringing and practice

Notice that I've used the term 'perception'. It is through how each of us perceives 'norms' that we interpret in self-judgment. In Jean's case, her peers are successful young professionals, many of whom have no exercise outside of the health club. Jean and I discussed this and her mood shifted as she acknowledged that she was indeed taking good care of herself. She shifted from 'I should' to "When I have a chance, I will go to the health club. I enjoy the social side of working out with others".

How about the areas of life that address ethics and responsibility, real or perceived? Would you agree that there is a place for 'should' in this realm? What is your response to someone who says "I should respect my father and mother"? Another client, Heather, stated just that. Heather and her husband, Steve, had worked hard to build a safe loving family. They are a religious, church going family, and were torn when a career opportunity for Heather meant moving. Steve could easily move his home based business, but Heather felt guilt over moving 2000 miles away from her aging parents. She regularly visited them-- out of a sense of family obligation; and each visit was replete with emotional abuse from her parents to the point where she no longer took her children with her on the visits. As a child she had been physically and emotionally abused by her parents. Heather was torn between a religious belief system's tenets & a desire for broader family, and a reality of historical and continuing abuse. Following session discussions, Heather decided that while she was thankful for her parents role in bringing her into the world, the Bible aside, they did not merit respect as parents. Further, the relationship was pernicious to the health of her own family. Yes, Heather decided that she 'will' help financially if her parent's require, but no more 'should's as far as respecting her parents.

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EXPLORING YOUR OWN SHOULDS

So how does one examine their own 'should's? Start by monitoring your own language. When you catch yourself saying (or thinking) 'I should' (or I shouldn't), recognize that you are making a value judgment about the task or state you are considering. Ask yourself the following:

• What are the values that cause me to think 'I should…'.
• From where do the values stem? Are they a result of your peer's opinions, your family's, community's, ….something Old Aunt Emma used to say to you as a kid?
• Are your personal values and ethics aligned with this?

This last bullet is the most important one. If you are truly aligned with the re-inforcing value, the 'should' will disappear to be replaced by a 'will'. For example, Jean really valued staying active to support her health. This was her value, not having a regular workout at a club. Heather valued a commitment to family, and realized that constant visits to her parents undermined her own family and did not help her parents. By cutting the visits, but committing to help in time of need she reinforced her values. Taking time to clarify your personal values is the key to replacing 'shoulds' with positive actions to create a life in alignment with your own personal values.

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Perfecting Balance is the newsletter of David A. Klein's Coaching practice, A Perfect Balance.

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© David A. Klein 2001